Over the Hills and Far Away

You might worry that I’ll bore you with playlists of the songs that I’ve been listening during my “first” youth but you’re slightly wrong and are therefore allowed to relax. Actually I thought to talk once more about transsexuals – even more annoyed now? I hope so!

Did you ever notice that most transsexuals are surrounded by trans-people while they transition and then they pass into oblivion – wiped away from any trans-stuff that might exist? It is really striking how often this happens, with some even within the few months after they had the surgery. Most likely they just think that they now are real women or that they just believe that this final physical change makes them post-transsexual. Unfortunately for my post or essay here I’m not post-operative so I cannot fully prove that I would still identify transsexual after some surgeon having messed around with me. But – at least for me – I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t. Of course, some day I will lose interest in this subject an talk about something else as I would do with every subject. But it’s not like closing a book forever and then denying its existence. Hell yes, I am a transsexual and I always will be – whether I want to or not. And why should I then deny what I am? On the other hand I rarely go out on the street with a t-shirt written on it tranny and proud or whatever else you might picture – it’s not something you scream out in the whole wide world (as I already mentioned this is exactly the reason for most T-folks to pass).

On the other hand it’s quite creepy how much some transsexuals are obsessed with disappearing. It’s rather like “I don’t want to be identified with these freaks” than “I don’t want to have a past”. Of course it is in this society quite difficult to live openly with a past in a different gender for people tend to judge you by this attribute. So it’s not that much of a surprise that some people try to deny the existence of this past. However it turns into the ridiculous when some post-transsexuals mess with the ones making a different choice or even those who are not yet “done”. Quite funny, for they actually attack the place where their earlier self was – and somehow I even start to pity them. Just picture it – I hate you because you are somehow something I once was. It’s basically the same pattern that you can see with some cis-peoples’ trans-phobia and some transsexuals’ hate against transgender in the wider term (where they still belong to!): I hate you because your mere existence might make me question myself or my identity. Funny when one crosses the line and strikes with the weapons of the enemy – still scared to death that just this former enemy might shoot ones back. Mostly joining your former foe and hope to make them friends is the same pattern as with bullies on the schoolyard. If they throw rocks at someone you throw a small rock as well so they might appreciate you although you’d still live with the fear that they might change their mind about you and make you their next victim. It’s the same with those transsexuals who turn transphobic – they might even think that this makes them more cissexual than they were before – bad luck, you should keep your ammo instead of shooting yourself by accident or even stupidity.

But there’s a slight difference between running and turning. As I just said I consider running not necessarily as something bad – but it wouldn’t be worth to me to erase my past and my life just to hide something. Maybe this is what makes me a freak in the eyes of many people – who cares? So, as long as you just run for your sake it’s fine – if you do it to fit peoples expectations, it’s rubbish. And if you even happen to stand on the side of those you were afraid of, your behaviour might eventually come back to you. Of course I  would never deny that I would be disappointed by friends still using my male name and similar stuff but like this I can make choices about my life built on experience instead of denying my whole past. And if you excuse me for a second, I gotta run to my bed and read some books.

Your runaway Liz

~ by Liz on February 5, 2009.