The Perfect Dinner

Honey, I know it’s hard to take. Really hard. But yes, queer personality can be compared to a menu at a restaurant with a lot of choices. No, I really know that you will get used to it in time, so stop sobbing before you order dinner!
The best thing in good restaurants are of course the cute waitresses and not the food – but when several people even take me for a waitress in my either-federal-agent-or-hunting-for-girls outfit the waitresses seem to lose quality concerning style. Fine, now that our philosophy of style and food ended, we can start with the meal.

Civilised people which also have money happen to start with a drink, probably a Martini – shaken not stirred – if they didn’t shoot their toes off first with a Walter PPK. So, you are going to need this drink because once life gets hard everything feels better if you have a drink (at least as long you’re not an alcoholic, I guess). And your coming-out is dead ahead so you desperately need this drink!
But as usual, as we queers know, it is important to come out to someone – in that case the waiter and everyone seeing what we do on he table – only that here, we are not saying something like “Hey, I’m a tranny-dyke” but rather “I prefer salad because the weather is too hot for soup”. You may say that this is not important, but guess what; people will judge you by what you eat.
And yes, if you take the soup and the salad, you’re a transsexual – you start with one thing and end up someplace else. If you take only the salad, you’re cold-blooded and if you only take the soup you’re probably a real hottie. So, until now we know whether you are transsexual or not, and if you’re not we could comfort you with a positive aspect of your personality. The weird part is that not every transsexual is a cold-blooded hottie, but my image seems at least to fit in there and of course I am the benchmark.

Now to the main dish. The start is easy: If you order meat you’re butch, if you order vegetables you’re femme and if you order a cold dish with very few calories you’re extremely femme.
But are you actually gay or not? Well, in case you are a man and you take knife and fork to eat the pizza and cut every single piece you’re probably gay. Otherwise you are either Italian or straight. On the other hand this does not work with girls because there are too many straight ones eating pizza by hand, so we have to take another example here. If you hold the fork with some strength, you are either a lesbian, a feminist or not used to forks. On the other hand, if you hold it rather sloppy, you’re either straight or drunk. But I’m not quite sure yet what a drunk lesbian would do if she wouldn’t stab herself with the fork in the first place like I did.
The problem is only how to know whether you are bisexual. But also here you may find some interesting answer. If you don’t always do it the same way, you’re probably bisexual and in just a few cases not yet decided what way you want to eat or whether you want to quit eating at all.

But no food-fetishist will ever forget the dessert. And here the real revelation comes, because when we assume that you’re on a date with someone you can even find out whether this is going to be a stable long-term queer relationship. Let’s further assume that you are femme, and you figured out by watching her behaviour while eating that she is a butch lesbian (or bisexual) and didn’t mind that she took the soup and is hot, took the salad and is a cold bad-ass and even worse, probably a transsexual too. So, if she takes something witch chocolate she’s a sweet one – but she should prefer dark chocolate and you white one, so there will be enough suspense in your relationship; otherwise it will get boring. If she takes ice cream it doesn’t matter what you take, because she will give you the cold shoulder. But there is still hope because she might just be playing it; remember that kids like that dessert too. If she takes cake, you would only be lucky as a butch – you will get a chatty housewife who can cook! I won’t talk about the meaning of cream for everyone knows what people do with it in the bedroom – a really intense affair then. And if she takes fruits or something light you better don’t rush it because she’s healthier than you (even if she’s a chain smoker) and will win every battle…

I hope I helped you to find out more about yourself and your next date…
Your now officially creepy and extremely hungry Liz

~ by Liz on June 25, 2009.